These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
