I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
