Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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