and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
even my farts smell like vagina
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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