I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize