He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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