Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
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Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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