I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
