Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
