I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
