Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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