He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
