I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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