in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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