we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
