pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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