note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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