You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
