so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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