i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
