Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
