what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
