Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
