i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
