U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
