cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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