Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
