I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
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I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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