my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
