Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
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how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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