We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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