The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
