I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
