I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
