remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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