That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
