my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I am spending my child support on dildos
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
