I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
