He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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