I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
