Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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