On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
