And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.