I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
