You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
