Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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