Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
