I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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