You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
