Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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