That's when you crack a 10am beer
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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