If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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