Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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