You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
