i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
