Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
