I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
