How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
