You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
