He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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