Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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