My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
