We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
