I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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